To summarize how low I felt, even work couldn't open the door to my sanity and salvage what was left of it. I was shackled by a chain of my thoughts (pun intended) and strangled by my insecurities. I've learnt a few things though. No matter how much you try to shield yourself from the world, or sedate your body and mind. Your soul only starts finding its way back when you get the fuck out of bed and move on. Why do we torture ourselves so much though? Why do we create wars and fight undefeatable battles with ourselves, only to come out bruised further than we were before. We spend all our lives finding for someone to love. But beyond that, we spend all our lives finding for someone to love us. To love us for the person we are when we are drowning in our demons as soon as dusk falls, or waking up hungovered from a battle we miserably lost when dawn arrives. All because we simply can't love ourselves.
I used to ardently believe that I could never fall in love with someone truly if I hadn't fully loved myself first. Isn't that what they all said? At least that's what I grew up being told. But as I got older, the capacity of my mind widened to a world I never knew was out there, one that sickens me if I may add. And I'm not sure about few years ago, I don't care to know either. But 1 year ago got me realizing what a fuckin lie that was. Don't believe what they tell you. I found someone who could love me for everything that I was, even when I couldn't love myself for everything I was not.
But the problem is, right now I hate myself even more.
I'm not sure why I can't comprehend how someone could love me this much. But the human tendency has always been fight or flight. Maybe when we can't fight the demons that feed on our fears and vulnerability, we find a way to run away from what is real. We find an escape, anything that could take us away from a foreign place we always wanted to visit but never fought our wars well enough to. We take off to a place we are all too familiar with, wherever that may be but one that is horrible. Sadly, a place we think we deserve more than anything.
I'm not sure where this is suppose to go. It's 4 in the morning and I'm alone. But 4am always knew my secrets, and all I want to do is write from my heart, and this is what my heart tells me;
If you are ever lucky enough to find a soulmate who could love you for all that you are - your baggage and your flaws, your insecurities and your demons, the war you are fighting and your vices, and still look at you at the beginning and the end of everyday to tell you things will be okay, then don't let go of them. This brings me to tears because I am a walking contradiction. But it is only because I can't understand myself, and maybe I need help. And I wish for the past too much because I am a hoarder, and i can't let go of what was once so magical. Perhaps because I had an escape from everything reality tried to drown me with. I was always one step ahead because I figured how to swim. But I can't move on because I don't know how to pick up the pieces, and nobody seems to be able to help me. My demons have been dragging me down in a sea so black, tainted with sins and regrets and grime. They weigh me down with anchors and pull my limbs endlessly, digging into my flesh over and over again, tainting the sea further with my blood, which goes subconsciously unnoticed like that of a routine. I try my best to stay afloat but some days I am too weak to resist. My screams are muffled further each day and there seems to be nobody there. Perhaps someday I will give up the battle and take my last breath before I sink willingly and disintegrate into a whirlpool and integrate into a new home for my soul. Perhaps someday somebody will hear me.
No comments:
Post a Comment