жизнь

I got my laptop back and can finally blog, which is a perfect timing because i haven't been writing for th longest time.

Im home alone, again. Th up side? I get t lie on my living room floor with knickers, drink all th beer and smoke all i want. Though its a Saturday night, i don't wish i was out for once. Besides th weather, i really just wanna be alone right now, and stone. Im so hungry, but i can't even eat. I keep puking and my head's spinning. Definitely time t boycott vodka.

Life's been pretty awesome lately. I work, party, have fun. Basically enjoying my youth while i can. And i've come t a point where relationships aren't really my thing anymore. However when you have fun and when everything just goes smoothly because you have nothing t worry about, nothing t care about, noone t stop you from doing shit, life turns mundane. It becomes so monotonous that you start t accept that life is just that way. But of course, there's more t life. Which is where im swerving t. What is life, really?  Honestly, i believe there isn't an inherent meaning t life at all. In an analogy, life is like an element. By Chemistry definition, an element is a substance that cannot be broken down further. But still, you can't help but question that shit. 

I do believe for a fact that without love, life loses its essence. You drink, you party and have fun, you get high, you do shit, you live like everyday's your last. Then you finally go home, t find that nobody's home, that when your high's down and you're sobered up, all that's left is a hangover. Nothing fucking else. Nobody. That's when you realise that life without love, is life not worth. 

Writing has always been my way t get away, t express myself. But right now, even that is against me. Because i can't write what i feel exactly. I don't even know what it is. I've basically become numbed. Heartaches can't break me, words can't bring me down. I don't even wanna be in love anymore. But that, leaves me with every shit and everyone being temporary. Well i guess that's life, isn't it. Th only thing constant is change.

But some things, really just don't change. And you can't do anything about it. Family has always been important t me. But i've came t realise that all this while, i've been lying t myself. I've tried so hard t make myself believe that everything's okay. When it really isn't, when it never has been and never will be. We're all under a roof tgt, but everybody has a life of their own. Everyone pretends that its all fine when its really not. And im left t find my way, on my own. Like it has always been. What affects me th most, is knowing that when i grow up, i'll look back and always wish that we all had perfect families. But you can't turn that back, you can't rewind nothing no more. You just have t make sense of a ton of shit that really doesn't make sense.

But that's life. I don't know where i'll be 5 years from now, hack even 2 years. But that's th way i want it t be. I'd rather learn everything th harder way, i'd rather learn th meaning of life th hard way. Afterall, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Right. Im young, i mess up a hell lot, i don't understand why so many things are th way they are. Because im not perfect. But that's alright, because nothing in life is.