Rummy

Is it wrong t wanna feel fucked up physically? Like being sane is not a norm, like not being sober is a huge part of your life, more than it really should.

Is it wrong t fuck everything, because for once in my life, i really just don't care. About anything.

Sometimes i wonder, why can't everything just be easy, why can't i be like those kids who go through their youth th normal way, or so they say it is. Academically gifted, no partying, no alcohol, no emotional worries. In our generation, more often than not they're called nerds. Why do some of us just have t learn it all th hard way. Is it actually a choice, our preference or is it smth that's just thrown at us. Because honestly, i wouldn't really kill t have a perfect life. Good grades, happy family, emotionally well. Its a contradiction because though i don't wanna believe it, i'd rather learn everything th hard way.

At some point in our lives, we all lose ourselves. We get up, we move on. But what happens when we lose ourselves, all our morals and what we believe in together with it. You realise what's happening, you see it for yourself, and yknow its not doing any good. But you don't fucking care, you just can't seem t. What do i do about it?

Some believe that our body, without its soul, is just an empty vessel. Not of any significant use. Our body and soul are 2 completely separate entities. Right now, i feel like im just left with my body. Im physically present, im having th time of my life, i love being 18 and having fun. But at th end of th day, i don't even know what i believe in anymore. Im a whole, but everything within me is just disconnected. I feel it, i know i should do smth about it, but i don't care. And i just keep fucking myself up even further.

What's life, without any meaning t it?

Life certainly doesn't come with an instruction manual. But if it did, would you really follow it? We all wanna live our lives our way. But there comes a point where when you steer away, you need someone t pick you up. Probably someone who could impact your life quite powerfully. But even that's not gonna help me right now. Because finding someone i would love is pretty far fetched for me right now. Im not ready t make anyone a part of my life, hence 'love and life i will divide'. yes, my tattoos do have meanings.

I've reached a point where im just sick of every fucking thing. Even doing what i love, and that fucking scares me because its definitely a first. I know for a fact that i can't give up what i want most, for what i want now. But really, i just need a break from everything. I just wanna go back t school and get away from all this shit.

They always say, 'you only live once. live life t th fullest'. But is that all? I spend most of my nights not being sober, i do what i want. Well yes, because i tell myself t 'live life t th fullest'. But can you do that your whole life? Isn't there a point where you gotta give that shit up and live by th rules, no?

Life is suppose t make more sense as you grow, as you mature. Apparently, that's bullshit. Because as i grow, life just gets more cob-webbed. I try t make sense outta every fucking possible thing, but i never ever get th answers. 

And th worst part? Nothing's going uphill.