Pure

After being majorly pissed last night bc my fuckin' post got deleted, im calmed enough t reiterate what i remember.

Anyhow, idk why i feel perfectly fine this morning. I guess it's cause i slept pretty early and th effects of my medication has worn off. Im starting t believe that my body's got immune t th usual amount of pills i take, that i really should just be taking more t feel better.

So its officially day 5 since i last ate a meal. I can literally account for th exact amount of food i've eaten over th past few days bc its that little. Well maybe not. I ate 4 nuggets and candy yesterday. Maybe im just trying t make myself feel better in this aspect.

Honestly, im actually really fine. I don't think i need false pretension from people who really don't care. It's not one of those incidents where im seeking for sympathy from people nor from myself. Bc if i really had a choice, i would've distanced myself from th world and move away.

My Saturday was pretty fucked up. I slept at 10am after reaching home. And i woke up at 3pm still feeling high and nauseatic. Besides that, i really didn't feel well. T th extent where i had t keep a h&m plastic bag by my bedside in case i needed t puke. Hahah. So obv i gave zoukout a miss. I don't regret not going at all, except for Avicii and partying with my girls. But oth than that feeling physically fucked up overpowered me even considering t go. So i slept on medication on Saturday night only t arise t a brand new, even more fucked up day, Sunday. I slept my whole Sunday away, which i'd actually planned t do. But i kept waking up for th most weird reasons and being drowsy didn't help at all. And i hardly even remember anything. I did wake up once t move my laptop away from my bed bc i was sleeping on it. And then i remember waking up somewhere at night, and just completely stoned lying down face up. My room was pitch black and whenever that's th case, its either im sick or something's wrong. Bc i don't ever lie down awake at night without my night light switched on. What's fucked up is when i felt there were people at th side of my room. It sounds fuckin' dumb, and its people, not ghosts so i wasn't like afraid or something. I just felt fuckin' paranoid for like th longest time. I don't even know where all this shit comes from. Monday wasn't any different so blogging about it would just be a bore. Th only highlight would have t be watching a whole season of Hell's Kitchen t surface any hunger i may actually have, but it was definitely false hopes. Haha.

So here i am, awake at 9am on a Tuesday morning. Where th first thing i wanted t do when i woke up was shoot th birds that were making so much of noise. And then i officially started off my day by puking. And im actually drinking water right now eventhough i utterly detest it, bc my mouth feels fucked up.

I guess what i really need right now, is t be by myself. I know what im doing, and i don't need people t tell me what's wrong. Bc i know what is, and honestly nobody can help, not even myself. I feel like i need t be away from everything that's happening outside, so i can recover and tell myself that everything didn't happen. Bc lately i've been thinking of so many memories i told myself not t care about any longer. My body feels like a complete separate entity from my soul right now, bc i don't seem t be able t feel anything. And more than anything else, i just need time out. Im not running away, im still here.