I've actually been writing since last night, however writing literally on paper is fuck ass tiring so thank god for technology. So i actually got a topic t write about but i really don't know if im gonna stray away from it, but im just gonna write like free flow anw.
It really feels like a Sunday today, waking up w a massive fuckin' headache and nauseated feeling made it feel like i was hungover from a usual Friday night in my books. Im actually proud t say i didn't party on a Friday night and actually reached home befr 3am.
Thoughts can really kill you, and that's what its doing t me right now. I wish life was so much more easier, don't we all? But then i guess life would just be as meaningless as some people we call 'friends' these days. Its been th longest time since i've managed t cry. And im not afraid t say that because we all know crying is th only thing we can do sometimes. Not as a source of aid, more like when its just a reception t an emotional state. I honestly can't recall th last time. And its not th fact that i wanna control it, it just felt so numb that you can't feel anything, anymore. Its so easy t end everything, in a fuckin' blink. If only things were that elementary hey. We all wanna be here at th end of th day, and say that we made it through. That we've learnt so fuckin' much. That eventhough life is so fuckin' wacked out and perplexed we still get by, by th lessons we learn, by our morals, by our believes. I keep telling myself i can do it, i know im strong enough, that there are so many others worse off than me, that's factual. But its right now. Fuck time. Its right now that fuckin' sucks and i've never been this doubtful of myself. It makes me ponder how strong i actually am, but i've always envisioned myself being able t go through so much more.
We start t realise th amount of people whom really care diminishes rapidly over a really short period of time. We know that deep down but we still choose t believe otherwise cause people always get us through.
Fuck i hate writing smth and leaving it incomplete, and coming back t it th next day having t find back my train of thoughts.
I love people who're deep, people w a story t tell. And someone who'd stay up all night talking t me, about life. About anything. Its just th fact that i've never really been able t do that since i always had a problem opening up that provided a barrier between me and my words, and people. I don't know if i've been living in denial, but i just really dk how i feel or how im even suppose t. I can't help but think whatever i do now can never make me feel worse. But i know it really can. Its contradictory as fuck, i sound like a fuckin' fag. But i can't deny what's true. I've never felt this vulnerable in a long time. I've managed t put my guard up all this while, be as fuckin strong as i can. Because honestly, i've always thought that i was a strong person, or at least strong enough for this. There comes a point however, when it reaches your threshold and there's just no space for more. When you see every single fuckin' thing crumble right in front of you and only be able t watch it, when you can't brook w fake people any longer and put up a fuckin' facade each time you're w them, just t save yourself from feeling what you really do about th whole situation. When you just try t look happy in front of people because you can't stand answering them. And more so knowing that they don't actually care. You just fuckin' breakdown, and you allow it t fledge completely. Overtime, all that obscurities or should i use th word 'pain', becomes so hurtful that you feel numb t a prominent extent its just impossible. And it scares me t know that if someone were t stab my heart, yank it out and stab it on th same spot continuously, im just gonna be left there dying either way. Like, what can get worse? That's when i know im at my fuckin' lowest point in life, susceptible t any emotion, vulnerable t any person. And th simplest thing i could ask for is someone who'd just listen t me, and care. And that's my epitome of simplicity at best right now. And im always a believer of th simplest things in life that keeps me happy. Its amazing how someone could impact your life so quickly. But hey, im not complaining. Its actually really pleasant.
I don't know if what im doing is right. I get by each day on its own because thinking of life as a whole would just fuck up my mind. SERIOUS LA I NEED T STOP TAKING INTERVALS WHILE IM WRITING.
My heart's doing pretty fine for tonight, i hope. I kinda feel better now. Im afraid of so many things, my thought's are all messed up. But tonight, at least for tonight im gonna try my fuckin' best t sleep early, and soberly w that.
I used t blog for a reason. I mean i still do. But i used t do it and come t a conclusion regardless of what topic it's on. But lately i've never been able t do that. I write, just cause i need t. Not because i need t paragraph my thoughts perfectly and come t a conclusion w that when everything's layed out. So really. I don't have a conclusion at all. I just know im afraid of what's ahead, and i can't decipher my thoughts and emotions from reality. And im just afraid, so afraid of what's ahead.
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