Trapped inside a place that won't take you

It's been so long since i last wrote, that i even got logged out from my own blogger. Well i guess its about time i start writing again, since its th only thing that keeps me sane. I keep drifting away from this page, its like trying t start writing a composition about a topic you have no interest in at all. Except in this case, its not about a topic i have no interest in. Its about my life.

Its those days, where you wake up t realise your anaesthetic has disintegrated leaving you open and vulnerable t what's out there. Faced w a thousand things, but th only visible panorama t my eye, is me standing in th middle of a pitch black forest (i know black forest sounds like a cake but stfu) So messed up, yet its too vague for me t be able t take a dive in hopes of finding my way out.

Its those days, where i truly can't understand myself. I wanna believe im happy because i can't seem t figure out what's bothering me, yet i can't bc i know there's smth deep down i don't quite understand. And i really don't want people asking me what's wrong because i suck at expressing my emotions and lately i just wanna be on my own. It's so hard t let anybody in because half of th people around me are so fuckin' fake, im starting t believe im turning in that direction too. But i know for a fact i can't lose myself t this. Im not gonna go on a rant about certain people, because yes, i do know th world doesn't revolve around me. I have never thought it did bc i've always put others befr me. And if that's not being nice, tell me what is then.

It sucks t know that th only time i can be happy is when im intoxicated, when reality is a blur and all i wanna do is space out. I guess we all find smth that takes us t another place, smth that takes our pain away for abit. Leaving this whole situation as it is, i don't see it as me trying t run away. Im trying my best t think maturely in each situation, i really am. Im always gonna be here for people i care about, i don't even care if you're not gonna be there. Because i would risk losing everything, i would risk losing everything within me. But i'll never, ever risk losing myself t what i believe in. If yknow me well enough, you'd know that im not just writing all this shit as a form of personification. This is th only place i come t when i need t core out every emotion trapped in me and writing is my only sanctuary, only shield from what's beyond th barrier that keeps tearing apart. And if i can't speak th truth here, i'd be lying t myself throughout.

I'll never understand people fully, i'll never understand myself fully. And neither will any of us, though we do learn smth new about humankind every oth day. I think its so fuckin' amazing how humans are programmed t function, we're literally walking contradictions. What i think needs a proven explanation for, is why do people say things they never mean? Perhaps its t avoid being judged? Or rejection? Since when did living our lives as slaves for others trend.

Moving on from that ball of mashed up, gnawed on bunch of knotty emotions, its really nice t be in love. I think. But im so sick of people trying t get into my life, finding out every single shit. If it doesn't involve you, then you should just fuck off seriously. I've always watched my language on my blog since people kept telling me i shouldn't be 'giving off that impression as a role model'. But really i can't help it in this situation. What's worse is when someone calls me out of no fuckin' where, asking me questions about my life like im fuckin' obligated t answer. Whether i were t go marry a donkey, if it doesn't involve you, get out of my life. I wish th only thing that mattered in a relationship was love, unfortunately that's pretty far-fetched. Its so weird how we all keep searching for something that ends up hurting us in th end. But i guess that's life, that's love. We're all slaves t our emotions and we can't help it.