I don't wish for myself t get better tonight.

Maybe there's never a right time t turn wounds into words of wisdom. There's never a proper time t write, you just go at it. There's no locution i can't get by this. Vulnerability was a former part of my soul, no longer it isn't. Now that a fuckin' heart of stone has set in. Bring me back t yesteryears, fuckin' literally.

I remember so vividly, so motherfuckin' crystal clear. How its been exactly a year t this date yet im still in this stance. In 2011, before i did my TP fashion showcase, i had t attend a cast/fit. A cast/fit i had t fuckin' drag myself t because i was so drugged up on medication and emotionally breaking apart over a relationship. And right here we are, in 2012 on th exact same date, where im suppose t attend a cast/fit for TP fashion showcase. And guess what? Im going through a precise predicament as a year before. And it sucks. It fuckin' sucks t know that a year has passed, so much has happened, people come and go, but im still here. Im still here wishing i could go t sleep sober, wishing my thoughts sounded as good verbally. But no. Im still here, sitting on th same bed, trapped in th same skin. Nothing much have changed, at least not for me.

Change - a fuckin' intense word. It has always meant so much more t me than it actually does. People expect change from me, every fuckin' time. But then again, i may be wrong t say that, since change is, th only thing constant in this otherwise fast-paced, everchanging place we are forced t call home. But as soon as you change, they just keep wanting more. That when you finally intermit, you realise that what you want has never really been accounted for. 'Change for th better, Change for yourself, Change for your family, Change for th future' All that, by different people, and it ended in me getting fucked over. How much of a changed person am i right now? Judging from th state i am in right now compared t th same time last year, not very much i can confidently say. But no, im not changing for th fuckin' world. Im stuck in between so many dilemmas that if i needed t kill myself, i could easily drown in all of them.

I could be happy, so fuckin' happy. Thinking i could give everything because i haven't got anything t lose. Knowing that if i flirted w this mentality long enough i could very well make anything work. I could give my all, everything i have t offer t someone i love, balancing on th sole fact of how much that person means t me. Nothing more. Nothing less. Its simplicity at best. But life would be so much easier if we all worked this way. Of course, my mind has t step in. That as soon as all that sets in, i start t feel otherwise. And every memory of getting played out comes knocking back on my door. Im practical, and i know it too well. Too fuckin' practical that it works towards my disadvantage more often than not. And it doesn't help, when peoples' actions reaffirm my thoughts ever so easily. But it doesn't matter now, does it. Because as soon as i change my emotions, i automatically become th crazy one. I become th person who has lost control of what's in front of me. And i start t believe that. Is it really? Talk about dilemma. I mindfuck myself.

Aboveboard, i don't know who im facing any longer whenever i look into a mirror. Its nothing more than a mere reflection staring right back into my soul. What soul, you may ask. Well, touche. Because i haven't got an answer either. I don't know who i've been for th past year, and i wanna find that person so badly. I wanna be that person who loved unquestionably, who never doubted each and every action, th person who found a way t burn out bright in any circumstance. Im so fuckin' sick of th countless questions i throw at myself every single day. Th questions i never get answers t. Is this me not being able t find myself, or is this really just what growing up is all about? And you see, here we go again. Unanswered.

Im afraid, so fuckin' afraid of displaying my emotions on a shelf. But i try t. And it fuckin' sucks when nobody sees it. It fuckin' sucks t know that what you've been trying t improve on has been in utter fuckin' vain. Putting my emotions aside when you're insensitive towards a topic we've argued and talked about before. It may not mean much t you, but it does t me. But no, you won't fuckin' see it. Because its something so minute. But then again, don't all th small things make up a healthy relationship in th end. I mean you tell me, since i don't know shit about any of this.

I don't know why i keep pushing people away, or so it seems. I don't really care who anymore, since there's not much people who are true left. But its you, i do care about. Im not gonna leave, because im not done here. But th only thing that's probably holding me back is th fact that you could say it so easily. So let it be. I was afraid we'd lose it as days go by, days of us not keeping in touch. I was. But really, if we were meant t be, it'll happen. Because just so i don't show how much i care th way you do, it doesn't mean i don't. I wouldn't be here trying t come t terms w everything. Everything's messed up, i might as well be out getting wasted. But im not, because yes, i have changed. But fuck that. Fuck everything. How about we start anew. Hi, my name is Petrina?