In dreams until my death, i will wander on.

Haven't been writing for a week, and im starting t feel th effects of it on me. I've lost all possible sense of inspiration, or perhaps im just too drained, mentally and emotionally that transfixing my thoughts into words even becomes a chore. Honestly, i don't know where exactly t begin. Its no surprise my mind's a mess, all over again. I wanna write this without being on any form of medication, i wanna be able t write this sober. And that i shall do, if i know where t start that is.

Im not numb. I've cried more than i have in th past few months. Nothing keeps me sane no more, my mind just keeps fuckin' me up. I don't know if my reality or dreams are worse, but i've come up w a theory earlier just now befr my drowsiness kicked in, while my thoughts were panoply mellow. My relationship w sleep is far from good. Each night i try t go t bed, i get hit by a more than familiar feeling. That feeling you get when you had a bad trip w something, and never wanna go back there. And at 3am, when nobody is awake, that feeling is elevated, so much so that i'd rather stay up and let thoughts eat up at me, since that is my only other option.

Fictitious - an apt word. If there's one thing that could mess w my mind with no effort at all, it would have t be my dreams. Th definition of Dream - A state of mind characterized by abstraction and release from reality. Its not real, its not supposed t be. But then how can something so unreal have such an adverse effect? Sleep has become something i don't wanna have t visit. But i haven't got a choice, and its something pretty far-fetched from my control.

But that's where i've acquired an antidote. A dose of tab, any kind. My elixir of life? Im really not sure. All i know is that it gets me through 1 night at a time. Th rest can wait all right. We all find an armor against our pains, t shield our emotions, or get used t th pain altogether. But even that, however, has its limitations. Nights whether on dosage or not, i just can't buy an eyeful of sleep. Its just a place i never wanna revisit, but i don't have a choice. Tell me if its truly unhealthy, or merely just a state of mind. How can i say im strong enough when i give in?

Bring me back t yesterday. Because that's where i wanna be. Yesterday where we were barely lovers, when what we had for each oth was ignited ever so strongly.  I wouldn't give you up for th world. I wouldn't give us up for anything else. I wanna be able t wake up, knowing reality is finally better than my dreams. We're so close, yet so far. How are we fine w our form of communication in a day being just less than 5 texts? I don't get it. I don't get where im going wrong entirely. Being human, my first reaction t a fault being displaced on me when i don't think its entirely fair, is for me t rebut. Really, im trying my best t see it from both perspectives, yours and mine. But maybe you should too. Its not fair on my part when all you can think of is how genuine my feelings are. But that's alright, because yknow i'll die trying t reassure my feelings for you.

My initial thought when i think of writing about this topic, is t think of happy times. Because that's what gets us through. And that's something i learnt from you.

I wish you knew how much you mean t me. How you never left my mind since th first time i met you. I don't know if you can bear w who i am right now, i don't know if anyone actually can. Im giving this everything i have. Perhaps im not trying hard enough, and what im giving isn't everything. I haven't got a plausible reasoning. I want you, and i love you, everything about you. And that's all my value i have t offer. Im happy. Im always happy at th thought of you being in my life. I smile when i think of you, i smile when i read your texts. I've never believed in wearing my heart on my sleeve, or proclaiming how i feel abundantly. But i guess that's where i fail. Because when people don't see it, they doubt it. I remember saying that after a week of hanging out w you, my mind was clear, like nothing much actually bothered me. That it was only you and me. Of course you made a difference in my life. You brought me back t faith. I don't see how you can doubt what i feel for you. But yeah, what i have t say are afterall just words. It probably wouldn't change your perception of me.

Ironically, on th playgrounds of our youth, we've all heard th old phrase 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'. Unfortunately in many of our societal groups, it seems rather intent today upon claiming that words too always hurt. I don't think i've ever let anybody's words get t me, ever since. But we all know for a fact that deep down we do have unresolved insecurities, that when someone were t bring it up t you, in your face. You don't know how t react. You can't bypass an issue that've been brought up, more so if its done by someone who means a lot t you. So how do i appear happy then? Im not, and im not gonna put on a facade either, not anymore. But that's something i have on w myself, my own state of mind that i'll have t resolve.

I don't have th fuckin' energy t excavate what's really down there. Perhaps its impossible. Like how we only utilize 20% of our brains. Maybe trying t grok what th fuck my mind is really up t is not even pretty far-fetched, but more like impossible. Quite adherent that my mind's a cobweb right about now, demanding t be deciphered before it fuckin' gets mired, in all meanings of th definition that word brings. I guess sometimes it all goes back t 'learning from experience' but then again, experience is simply but a name we bestow unto our mistakes hey.