YHWH

I can't remember th last time crying became a factor t keeping me awake. I don't understand why I can't fall asleep when I only managed 3 hours of sleep last afternoon. So much negativity in two sentences itself but I can't hide what I feel.

Indecisiveness at best. I go t bed w hope and I lose it within ten minutes. And I can't pick myself up so I just crawl back here. But if I had one wish, I'd wish what happened didn't. Because shit like this I bring t my grave. And th only thing positive I can think of, is that demons manifest in my head and not my surroundings tonight. Yeah not so positive hey, but we make th best w what we have anyway. I would really like nothing more than for th night t end right about now, because I'm pretty sure I'm not getting access t sleep anytime soon and I don't wanna have t count down th clock till morning arrives.

I guess this time, th darkness found me. I didn't find it, nor can I embrace it.

I can't find it in me t move on this time, t pick up th pieces scattered along a dark alley leading t th future where I'm supposed t hope for light, hope I mend myself, hope that I could filter my thoughts each night. For one, that alley can't lead t th future when there exists a dead end and th pieces can't be mended when they've been smashed one too many. Am I supposed t seek advice on what thoughts I let in anymore? I say th only advice worthy t my ears are th ones from myself. I can't beat myself up this time, I have reinforced how nobody, absolutely noone can make me like shit about myself without my consent. Not society, nor th ones I break down my walls for. I'm not perfect, I have fucked up and I'm not one t judge. But I can live w that when I learn from my mistakes. My only regret this time, doesn't lie within me anymore. It lies within what could've been if what happened hadn't.

Because now, all I can find in me is remembering t breathe, all I can rely on is God, all I can do is believe in fate and all that I am left w is who I always have been but I wouldn't trade that for th world. I could be hurt, I could be numb but I could never be bitter because I was taught that I never owed anyone anything, except love. I still love, I always wanna love because its beautiful. And no hurt should take that away from me. No day should come where I tell myself not t love anymore, for above all I always have my family t love, I always have myself. I guess I've learnt that I can't hurt myself unless I wanted t, but people will hurt you whether you want them t or not. What sets them apart is which ones are worth th hurt. What I wasn't told, was that i have t draw a line above that too, for if not th ones you think are worth th hurt they put you through, would never learn t stop. And th only way I could think of, is for me t build my wall back up.

There's no going back, we're constantly moving forward. But baby steps I can't help but take, when what you do or say t me only trigger one thing in my mind, that is what you've thrown unto me.

But since that's how life is supposed t be, then forward it is motherfucka.




Welll, now that I'm done that's awkward... What do I do next when I can't fall asleep? I could write some more, but I think that's all my mind can afford for tonight. Goodnight world.. Nah actually th world's filled w too much contempt for it t exist a good night somewhere else on this globe. Now I understand beauty queens and their 'world peace' shit.