Recovery

Seemed just yesterday that I got out of a train wreck and was on the road to recovery. By now, I had gotten used to the occasional all time lows before I manage to stabilize my emotions. I had gotten used to feeling like there isn't any hope to be found 6 ft under, or perhaps it is just too dark for me to see. After which, I would recover for a decent while until it hits me again. Not this time though, I figured things were getting better and I started seeing the light again, but this time, I couldn't give myself the chance to embrace that feeling for as long as I could, for it barely lasted a mere 2 days. I feel myself sinking again and the only thing that saves me is doing what I truly enjoy, sober or high - work. I'm not sure if it totally saves me, for I'm really ardent on the notion that only myself can save me. But it is the reason I wake up each day knowing I have a purpose and a responsibility. And after everything that I've been through, I couldn't ask for more. It seemed just yesterday, literally in fact, that I was so mesmerized by the gleaming ray of sunlight through my window, reflecting perfectly in my sanctuary emitting the most beautiful glow. Honestly, I've never seen that before, or perhaps realized it. It wasn't until then that I saw day light - pun fuckin intended. I became cognizant with the fact that perhaps today is the day I finally can appreciate the smallest of things in life again. I figured some day somehow, I would all of a sudden get back my appreciation for the simplest things again, I never expected a significant event to wake my emotions up, root my feet to the ground and think, 'has that time I envisioned for so long finally come?', 'is today the day?' The day sunlight no longer activates my memory of the past - feeling so strung out and the light seemed like the fury of hell. Bringing that back makes me feel sick, yet one later today I'm still in this shithole. My all time low came back sooner than I expected, much sooner. But honestly I can't seem to give a fuck, perhaps some things in life we just never really recover from. We just settle in and make things seem as comfortable as possible with a feeling as stale as this paragraph.