How do I get out of bed when I'm the farthest away from facing the world? It seems that these episodes of an ultimate low come and eventually go, and that no emotion is permanent. But the days I wake up feeling I could live a little longer are ones I force myself into believing happiness exists, that a silver lining would someday appear beneath my horizon and take all the darkness away. I need for all this pain to go away, to no longer wake up into a nightmare that is life. It feels like the higher I get, the lower I sink. I can't seem to get all these emotions out anymore, I look into a distance and realize how lost I feel and how blurry everything seems to be. I can't rely on someone who is never there to take all this away. It seemed to me that at 3 in the morning if I was leaving this hell for another hell perhaps, that I had nobody there to comfort my soul. No matter how many chemicals I have ever used to bleach my brain, I know by now, only too well, that there is no getting away from yourself, because you never go away. I can't find the strength in me any longer, I can't go on a righteous path and succumb my feelings anymore. Perhaps that broke me apart and tore my walls down. The road to recovery seems to be plausible, a plausible fuckin lie that is. I just want to scream and punch these walls surrounding and suffocating me. I just want to go to sleep and wake up to a notion of having something to look forward to. It seems with that notion, the human mind is able to go through tremendous pain and great depths of suffering. I can't even write properly, I can't find the right words to describe what I feel. All I can do is write from within, and within me is far from beautiful. Maybe if I wake up tomorrow things would be better, maybe if I don't it would be too. But my pills are kicking in and I can't do this anymore. I can't even find the right words to end this paragraph, fuck this.