Coming Home

Forget all the analogies, the poetry and rhymes, the cliches of writing and perfect vocabulary. For tonight at least. I just need to write, eventhough I somehow can't seem to. The past few days have been an utter blur, it felt just like how it used to, the routine I'd go through that I might as well kill myself but then I think back and realize I've been dead inside this whole time. I can't go on this way anymore, I've said it one too many but something inside me believes this is my last straw - I'm so tempted to make a pun here but I'll skip lol. I need to feel alive again, more than a need it is a want. I'm so sick of this lifestyle, of being disconnected with my soul. What I am experiencing is life, not living. And I want to live badly. My mind has been such a foggy, dense forested destitute that sobriety sounds enlightening for once. I could have been wiped out off the face of this dimension a long time ago, heck even the past week. But there has to be a reason for my existence up till now. I have so much to say, endless it seems but I am surrendering my dance with the devil and I no longer desire an altered state. This place may seem cruel and sobriety may just be a word we use to accommodate our minds' to the possibility of recovery. But anything is better than being strung out and hooked unto the idealisms that someday we will win the war on drugs that have been fought for centuries. That someday we want the world to believe that gambling our lifes' away with narcotics is not being frowned upon. For some of us, life has been a blessing for the most part. For others, it has to take dying to awaken our senses to the beauty of life. And for the crazy ones, even dying couldn't save us. Perhaps it takes a constant ringing to finally wake us the fuck up. To realize that if I had just 24 hours left on Earth, the absolute last thing I would do will be to get high. It is an absolute tragedy that we choose to live this way, to fathom the reality that I could've died before even saying goodbye to the ones I love. There's so much that is unpredictable and living recklessly is just a camouflage for stupidity. It took a hundred moments to bury me down the rabbit's hole, and a hundred more to actually enjoy it down there. But only one to realize I'm not Alice in fuckin Wonderland.