I realised what the problem is. I'm so afraid of uncertainty, of taking risks and leaving everything behind. It's the irony within me that I don't quite understand. The fact that I always put out to be fearless and my life was literally a huge risk with uncertainties about tomorrow with every turn I took. Yet now, right now when I decide that the only remedy for me would be to get lost in a foreign land by myself, I am hit by a giant wave of fear for the uncertainty. Suddenly shooting up heroin seemed less risky than leaving home for the unknown.
So many years of hiding behind this giant ball of comfort, with people whom I thought were my friends, and drugs that were my lover. So many times being led on to a life full of certainties by the person who supposedly held me high up in the clouds, only to smash me violently against the ground again with meaningless words and empty promises, lies and absolutely no remorse. It's always easy to decide who's in the wrong when behind the scenes is never seen. Of course the one who walked away is the bitch - and walked away I did.
I find it extremely odd though, that people would shoot a misunderstood stranger down, to save a friend full of debauchery. Is it wrong to think that we are interconnected through specie, put on this planet to help one another regardless of relationships? To think that one life is more important than another when in fact we are all close to negligible in such an infinite universe, is exactly what is wrong with the world. We spoon feed our kids and let them believe they are always right, to create spawns of adult zombies who believe we are never wrong.
We take the people around us for granted and give more flowers to the dead than to the living because regret is stronger than gratitude. We take nature for granted because we believe this place will be around for as long as we live. We complain about the food we eat and the transport we take, then make excuses for our ignorance. We cling to a strong ideology of what certainty is to each of us, and we manifest upon it because we don't know anything else. We don't know how to survive if one day all these things we complain about suddenly get taken away from us. Thus we ravel in our own worlds' because leaving our comfort zone is absolutely preposterous.
But the way I see it from here on out, what do I have to lose?
I lost a love I thought was real, I placed my emotions in the hands of a person I thought I knew. I trusted and was repaid with betrayal, I took a chance to give a chance, and then a thousand more but all I received were lies. And then I believed in change, and for 6 months I sacrificed everything I could to be there, even though I was alone and dealing with my own demons. I don't know how I made it through, but that didn't matter because since when did I matter? But then I realised I was not a priority ever, I never was. And perhaps after all I could do, I'm still such a horrible person that I didn't deserve the slightest need for a basic companionship. I never asked for possessions, all I wanted was time. Because with time comes love and care. But I guess they say, people will find time for you if they truly wanted to. And that is enough for me to know that I don't belong here. It's easy to say that I walked away from it all, but it's never as easy to understand the war I fight every single day, between having to walk away from the person I love and walking away because I know deep down it is for the better.
Everything comes to an end. A relationship, likewise the war that came after that.
And the only way for me to deal with my demons I have come to realise, is to face them. To be one with myself and the universe, and to find happiness in the only place that it exists - within me.
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