I wish I knew where to start but I really don't. The inability to describe how I feel has been so recurrent I'm not sure I can even write anymore. Maybe from the heart helps, but I can't seem to find it. Or perhaps I just choose to ignore the possibility that I don't feel anything at all. It has been me all along, I have always been the problem. I am self destructive and anyone who comes close enough to the walls I have built to keep everyone out gets pushed away. It is hard to fathom that my desire to gratify my indulgences subcedes the emotions of anyone else's no matter how hard I try. But maybe that is the truth. All I know is that this feeling never goes away, a compounding ache for an altered state. I wish I could find the right words to say for when all I seem to do is want to be left alone, I wish explaining my mind was a whole lot easier. I figured writing did that for me, perhaps it didn't do shit. Because everyone ends up clueless. More than an alteration, it is a never ending quest to feel something different in the same skin. I wish I had the energy to do something about it, to make things better, or to even just write it all down. But I don't, and I don't seem to really care.