I Need A Sharper Knife

I used to think the people I were with played a part in how much I wrote, now I think I hardly give a shit because straining to dig into every crevice of my mind seems like a mundane fuckin chore. But this morning is entirely different, this morning as the sun was rising I realise I had no escape from the realities of yet another day. I learnt to appreciate days like these when the simplest things in life couldn't make me happy no more, nights full of misery and tears that ended with a glimmer of sunshine penetrating my window panes. I was surrounded by so much darkness that sunlight made me feel alive. And that was it, I figured I had made it through the worst. I always knew the battle was never going to end, it is a battle within myself and something that powerful could never be stopped. But it didn't seem so bad when the light was finally visible, when I realised that maybe I didn't have to face it alone after all. I thought I was getting better. I knew I was getting better. But the demons I've tamed, they come in all forms triggered by absolutely anything it seems. The sadness never ends and sometimes you wonder if the battle is even worth a fight. How do I fight when I can barely breathe? Because the only thing on my mind is finding an escape from this asphyxiation that is slowly but steadily draining me of my energy. And the most sickest, most frustrating part about it is to realise that life from here on out will be a constant battle between killing myself or killing everyone around me. That it never ends, each time I fall I have to pick myself up. But how do I do that when all I can seem to do is to find an escape. A vicious fuckin cycle if I may add. And sometimes you don't have control over when you fall or who has a part in it. It seems to be old news by now that people only care about themselves for the most part. But fuck that, because I am in constant battle with not only myself, but the fact that my actions affect more than just myself now. That I could be suffocating this instant but sobriety is the only option and then I have a war in my mind that maybe I could find an alternate route just this once and then I hate myself for even thinking of that. Trust me to not make fuckin sense at this point and maybe nobody will get it, but it is as clear as crystal in my mind. Though I couldn't say the same for my vision because I am zoning the fuck out.