Food

Where do i start. I haven't been at my best, and as far as im concerned, i do not owe anybody around me and apology for th way i've been. Well, except for my family. I realised i have did some pretty shitty and dumb things in my life, but i've never ever approached it because its like i can't. Because i get all these messages from people saying how they admire me as a person, and being perfect and such. No, certainly no self-praise what so ever. But well, i just feel im expected of so much more, every single day. Every time i go for castings, there's smth i bring home, smth i gotta change about my appearance, for example. And its not easy. If you're wondering why im relating modeling t my life right now, its because modeling IS my life right now. I do it almost everyday, i do it almost everyday because i love doing it. And as much as life can be a bitch t me, modeling can be too, more of a bitch in fact. In life, you're told t be who you are. Whatever you're not, whatever people expect you t be when you're not, fuck that. Because you should be who you are. But in modeling, you gotta be what th industry wants, what your clients' want. If not, you're just not it. There's no 'people accepting you for who you are', because if your look isn't in demand or in their liking, you just don't get it. Period. Being able t relate modeling t life, and life t modeling is actually smth i would deem rather good. In life more often than not, you gotta let go of certain parts that are just not suppose t be, and know what exactly t hang on t. Its as simple as holding on t your passion in life, and letting go of smth you despise. But whatever your choice may be in th latter, yknow there are people who will have have your back. And this is me, moving on. Throughout my 18 years of life, i am so confident of th fact that i have never, ever met a friend - being someone whom im not blood related t, who was actually truly there for me, who has never betrayed me, who was truly proud of my achievements, who loved me for me, who stood up for me. Not one. Due t this, i have never really enjoyed th fact of having many people wanting t talk t me, wanting t text me, etc. Well,  there are times i feel like i should be more of a people person because if you dk me well, im anti-social and pretty much an introvert. So i do, i go out, meet new people, party, text shit loads of people, fb chat more shit loads of people. I know its not me, but i tell myself that maybe its smth i gotta learn, maybe being an introvert isn't good. Few days later, still th same. And then i realise, i hate chatting with so many people on fb. And for one, i definitely hate texting more than 5 people at once. I just can't. I don't understand how some people do it, i just find it so overwhelming and fucking annoying that i just stop texting all of them t be fair. And when im back t my daily lifestyle, i couldn't enjoy it more. You see, i have never had a true friend, and i don't really mind that. Because there is a whole new level of friendships t me. Where those part of it wil always be there for you, will always support you, your dream, your passion, no matter what oth people think of it. Who will sacrifice their well being, their comfort just for you. Who would care for you in ways normal friends would never be able t. And that is because those people, are called your Family. I have never been family-oriented. But over th past few days, occurrences made me realise what i've been missing out on. And its definitely not an event or a party where i've missed my chance of meeting that really hot guy i've been crushing on. I've been too preoccupied with brooding over th fact of finding a true friend, that i never actually realised i had them all along. And right now, my family has been and will always be th most significant part of my life, th part i will never be able t live without, and th part that i should have treasured right from th start.

Its 6am, i feel so lost. I can't sleep yet i have t because i gotta wake up at 9am. Im trying t be as true t myself as possible. More often than not, i find myself just dazing off and stoning. In th past 4, well 5 days now, i've eaten 2 meals. That's th first 2 days. I haven't eaten anything th day befr ytd, and ytd. And well, today for now. I would really not wanna bring about a wrong message. But reality check, i am not an advisor column. I make mistakes, i do really stupid things. And right now, im pretty contented with where this is going.