Fantasy

Sitting in th darkness of my sanctuary, hearing th rain as a backdrop against With Eyes Wide Shut by Bless The Fall. When i die, i want t die w this. I wanna hear this song at my funeral, i would take my life while this song is being played. Th only time i feel so calm even when my own world is against me. I call this my sanctuary but really, i don't feel safe here. I dread coming home and taking that walk into this place because i know th second i close that door, i shut away from everywhere, i shut out everything except for my thoughts. Th one thing i should shut off. Th one thing that could kill me without much effort. Being positive has never been this hard. I always thought i was strong enough, strong t withstand all of hell come what may, come what circumstances. I don't know what happened. Believe: always meant so fuckin' much t me. I wish i could think straight. I wish for nothing more than my mind t be clear, as serene as trickling water in neverland. Im so afraid, of everything. Im so afraid of myself. I don't know what exactly caused my mind t spiral before, but it did all th way down a bottomless pit. And i can't see no light t guide me back up again. When you're so close t giving up, that everything you told yourself before goes in vain. Dreams are not fuckin' easy at all. I see why so many people just decide t bury their dreams and settle for an 8-5 job. But i can't settle for that, i don't ever see myself there. It takes so much away from you, it kills you inside, fucks w you over and over again. But you still chase after it like a lost, helpless fuckin' dog. Because that's how much doing what you love in life means t you. So close, so fuckin' close t giving up and then you think of significant people who've made a difference and reached their destination, fulfilled a feeling nothing else will ever be able t provide for you, just by not giving up. Im so tired of crying, i just wish i could switch off my mind for abit, leave this place, runaway from th world. Because i can't face it. I think of my family, constantly. Because they mean th fuckin' world t me. I would die for them without contemplation. I can't imagine th pain my mum has gone through, knowing what kind of person i've become. I'll never be able t forgive myself for any of that, a guilt i'll carry for th rest of my life. A guilt i want t feel and hope it kills me someday because that's th very least i could feel but never even ever compare t what i've put her through. I never regret anything i've done, no fuckin' thing at all. I just wish for all i've done, i would've turned out a more than perfect person right this moment, for your past teaches you t become better. But it's never th case, you can't ever be perfect. You can't ever be th best. But why? Im so fuckin' weak t do anything this instant, so fuckin' weak t even stand up for myself, t stand up t myself.