Feather Of Lead

There's a disconnect between reality and how we perceive it. Th more we know, th less we understand. What if we're governed mostly by unconscious urges? Or how we're all just automatons.

I used t be able t write so freely, regardless. Lately, i feel so stuck. Th feeling of wanting t scream everything outta your system, t assuage every single emotion yet salvage what's left within you. My one and only platform i can't afford t lose, ever. They say th drunk mind often speaks th sober heart. I haven't been inebriated whilst expressing myself on paper, yet i've always been able t speak my sober heart. That's my saviour. Writing is. But right now, im agazed as t what's ahead of me, be it literal or figuratively. Connecting th broken fuses in my mind, hoping t let th electricity flow and light up my bulb. Who'd know making sense of life would be this challenging? Yeah, we all knew somehow.

I want someone t understand how my mind is an unsolved puzzle, not even a shattered crystal ball because i know it can be fixed. I just need t know how t. I want t be able t say absolutely nothing not because i don't want t, but because i don't know how t decrypt th state of my mind and have someone understand that it's not ascribable t my cryptic nature. I want t hear that for light t be evident there has t exist dark simultaneously. I know all that, too fuckin' well. But i just want t hear it from another's perspective. And even if it's a lie, reality is after all how each individual perceives it t be.

I always gave a fuck about things that mattered t me. Always believed you should never condescend t peoples' judgements of yourself, except th people you love. Because those are th only opinions that count. Living up t th expectations of those who matter and never stooping below those from people who don't matter, society. Im surprised by th fact that there's something within me that absolutely nobody knows about. We all have a story t tell, we speak our mind at times. But not this, i never did. Buried so deep that even i hadn't dug out, until only recently. I've never been able t come t terms w reality one too many times i figured. But reality doesn't save me, my perception of it does.

I see my dad lying in th living room and almost automatically see a vision of myself in that panorama. A visual of myself in my sanctuary, getting lost in my mind and entangled in my web of thoughts. We could be so close t helping each other, but it's just not that simple.

I try my best because i want t, because it's a choice. Everything is. You wouldn't think that your efforts are ever in vain because for th least of it, you've done it for yourself. But it anchors on you at th expense when people you love insist you're always fine w fuckin' th world. Fuck th world because society is screwed in so many ways, but i'd never apply that personal logic t relationships. But all you can ever do is keep trying and hope because it's so motherfuckin' hard t instill those thoughts in another being.

This is my freeway t death. But in between exists what we all know as th future. It's impossible t go against time, that every new day is an epitome of th future. Some know where exactly they'll be, others are clueless. What's matters is that you care. But then comes sub-headings where you could care and do smth about it or say you care but not adjust. Further sub-headings where even if you want t adjust, you don't know how t, you don't know what you want. That's where i fall, th sub-head all th way at th bottom of a mind map. Imagine a mind map w th word FUTURE smacked right in th middle of a paper in red. Lines branching out t what i've mentioned above. Notice how you will never be able t find an answer no matter which branch you decide t explore? That's because th future is yours t path w dreams of your own. But that's also where being realistic budges in.

How ironic that i can live w only a perception of my reality but perceiving realism in dreams isn't right. Th English language is a paradox itself. You never really have t use an exact word t describe, synonyms exist that there's never a control entity such in science experiments. For example, th expression 'Top Banana' has been widely used in comedy's t describe th leading person. However, it can also be used t describe th top person in any oth area of field. Similar t that of th expression 'Bigwig'. A figure of speech of how we're only fixed and certain when in movement. Th language we speak so fluently, a language of paradox. Doesn't make sense hey? Ironic that only few might understand my point, i understand myself fully obviously. But with that given, i can't understand how i never understand my mind. So what's your perception of life?