Last Chapter

Th greatest writers just let it flow.

Despite having so much going on, im really drained on what i should write about. I have so many things in mind. How i feel, New Year's resolutions, a backpiece, what im gonna do today, whether i'll be able t sleep properly. Th list goes on.

Amidst every problem, we're all really just fighting t live another day. We carry on anyhow, because somehow its subconscious human nature t believe that things will eventually get better. And for that, i've given up wishing life would be ameliorate. I accept everything that's happening, and i live with it.

I haven't slept since yesterday, sleep paralysis is killing me. So much so that i don't dare t sleep. Scientifically proven, it just happens during REM sleep, where muscles are paralysed and hallucinations occur. However i believe its far more complicated than that. I've been having th worst dreams and hallucinations that  i swear i don't know what's real or hoax anymore. My medicine is finishing, and it doesn't seem t work anymore. Because even when im tired, t an extent where my eyes can't hardly open, i still force myself t stay awake. 2 days ago, i fell asleep for 3 minutes and that shit happened within that duration. I wake up, and try t fall back asleep. But in that midst of falling asleep, where you're half asleep and half awake, i start t feel it set in. I know i can't wake up, i know i gotta force myself t start waking up. But somehow i stay there, in that realm a little longer t know what's gonna happen. Where similar t lucid dreaming, it may be alright as first, but then soon turns into a nightmare.  Th last most significant one that happened was me sleeping and 'awoken' t being both physically paralysed and paralysed simply by fear. My hands where placed as how a corpse's hand is placed in a coffin. I first saw something that figured a human being, however it was all black. I couldn't see th face. I wonder if it's suppose t be that way or its cause i just don't dare t look. However in ALL my sleep paralysis i never seem t be able t see a clear face. That figure was at th edge of my bed, about 5cm away from my feet. It suddenly lifted it's hand and pointed in th direction of my door. After a few seconds, i couldn't see anything however i started t hear whispers in my right ear. It wasn't ordinary whispers. It was a men's voice, and it was certainly demonic. It sounded t me like a satanic ritual of some sort. Suddenly, my hands started rising by an unknown force. It was depicted as how when you see movies of evil trying t cast a spell and their hands rise up. I tried screaming once, but realised from previous experiences that it never works. So i just layed there in fear and in what may seem forever, i finally woke up, for real. Instead of running out and switching on all th lights, i practically just stared at my ceiling in fear, because this happens t me far too many times. And if this is scary, i don't even wanna start on my previous encounters. Sleep paralysis is said t occur in every human being at least an average of twice in their lifetime. However i think all these patronizes my sleep way too fuckin much. 

I don't even wanna sleep at all. I really need someone t sit next t me while i sleep or smth. I use t hate that part of dawn when th sun is about t rise. Well i still do. However a part of me looks forward t it everyday because i just feel safer when th sun is up, eventhough it has happened t me in th morning befr. I've gotten over th previous ones quite readily, even th one with th lady in white with long black hair swept all over her face, standing at th tip of my bed and pulling my blanket off slowly. But after th above one, it's just too much for me. And i can't even do anything about it. I can't get anyone t stay awake with me every night. It really doesn't help esp when im going through a phase whereby i look at my pile of black hats on my desk and see it morph into a creature. Its so fuckin' freaky t sit in my room, and realise that i could start seeing anything at any moment, and not know th difference between what's real and what's a hallucination.

People never change, they just become more of who they really are in time. I don't even know who i am right now. Or how i feel. One minute im so happy, i tell myself t fuck everything and just well, live. Im talking t everyone around me perfectly. But all of a sudden i just get agitated, annoyed and just wanna be by myself. And suddenly everyone around me should really just fuck off. Honestly, i don't know if i can do all this by myself. I don't think i have th part of me that i used t have, that part that knew eventhough i had a problem, i had a solution t it. I could solve it on my own.

But people are shit, well most of them. They lie t you, use you, fuck with your feelings, break you down, kill you inside and if murder wasn't a crime, probably even kill you physically. But i've always been a believer of love. I don't think it's right t give up on love because someone somewhere in your life hurt you, someone you loved with all your heart betrayed you, someone you loved with all your fucking heart hurt you. Despite all that, love should always have a place. And because of that, i still let people into my life, but only t a certain extent. Right now, i can aboveboard-ly say that noone's down t my core. I guess my wall's up right now, and eventhough things are killing me inside, i've still got that strength t hold it up.