Other Side

I wanna study people. I think its so amazing how th human mind works. How its so hard t understand what's going on, even in your own mind. There's a countless amount of questions i want answers t, but i guess that's life. You're not suppose t have th answers t everything. How i don't even know if what i feel is real, or just a facade t what i really feel. How i don't know if i really feel numb, or th fact that i feel a thousand things right now, but its just too much that i decide t hide it away. Which leaves me with no emotions. I don't know, there's so many things i don't. If you ever master th way of life, that's really smth. But i don't think anyone can. It comes t a point where i don't even know what t feel, how t feel, what i want t feel. Everything. When everything was fucked, i told myself that maybe my life was supposed t be that way. That instead of mourning over it, i'd get accustomed t th change. I think i did. I think i did too well. I did whatever i wanted, i got rid of my morals. I succeeded. But what i didn't know, was th fact that it was fucking with my emotions so badly. Bc there are days when th numbness wears off, and that's when i realise im hurting myself. But by then, i've got nothing left, not even respect for myself. And that gradually builds up as th former becomes a pattern in my life. That at one point, i just keep asking myself questions. Questions that i haven't got any answers t. And nobody t talk t about it. Because what i have t say about what i've done, would probably hurt those i love. So its just me. Its just me and my emotions fucking with one another. And me wishing i could clear all this shit up. Wishing i could tear apart each and every emotion from one another. One minute im happy, so fucking happy. Th next i just feel fucked up all over. But what worries me, is th fact that half of th time whereby im happy, im always not coincidently inebriated and soused by chemicals fucking with my brain. I've come t senses with myself and how i can never be soberly happy. How i can't look at a home and think family, or look at a merry go round and feel merriment. Bc my mind comes up with crazy analogies. That when i look at alcohol, i think of happy places. Its fucked up, i don't even know who i am anymore. And th worst part is, that this paragraph hasn't got a happy ending.