4:44am. Tonight affirmed th cognizant of my mental process. How each night i spend up and alone, my thoughts never fail t fuck me up or at least try t. Being insomniac doesn't aid. I wanna fall asleep so badly, but i can't hence writing it is. Im afraid of how things could go bad again, even minutia arguments that may trigger something i can't wield. And send an outrage of my thoughts engulfing my mind, moving at th speed of light and feeding off me. I hate staying up all night, i feel everything come back t me, surreptitiously but surely. I try my best t place a permeable membrane in between and allow only good thoughts t pass through but apparently, molecules of lethal thoughts are minute enough t penetrate . I start examining everything ever so carefully, riveting on th veto of life.
Happy thoughts motherfucka. Th start of my night, that was it. Its always th dead of dusk that brings about th otherwise madness. And then i freak at th fact of how thinking happy gets you by, it shields you from nostalgic pain. But what if its temporary? What if when something bad occurs, your carapace shatters allowing your past t haunt you, but twice as bad this time. You see, what and if are two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side by side, and they have th power t haunt you for th rest of your life. What if?
When you look at life as not of a whole, but perhaps just messy bits that piece up t frame something magnificent. Yes magnificent, always. No other side t this story fo' sure. Life doesn't seem that bad. That's a rather uncanny way of looking at it hey. I realised that im so used t writing, t looking at negative panoramas that when i devise an analogy on happiness, i squirm at th very fact. But that's what th problem is. My problem. When you see th past better than it was, th present worse than it is and th future less resolved than it will be, happiness is evitable. But that's where allowing love in can set you free. You'll never be able t solve a problem w th same mind that created it. And that's where i feel like th odds are in my favor. When someone comes along and saves you, when someone can be your everything. Everyone's definition of love defers, but if i were t sum it up. Th only way t appreciate love, true love that is, is t fuckin' seize it. Every fuckin' moment.
But love is overrated. We hear it everywhere, people say it casually. So what is true love? Again, i know nothing of it. However i sure do know how it feels. My version?
It happens once, only once. Because its that special. Once, when you find someone who can turn your world around. Someone you tell stuff no other being has ever got th chance t grasp. You share everything, dreams, th future, disappointments. For when life rewards you, your other half automatically becomes th first and only person you wanna be excited w, for they will share it w you, your joy. You cry together, laugh together, hurt together, joke together. Together. And not be embarrassed because they'll always love you, for you. Hurt never becomes intentional, they tell you you're beautiful. You both believe what ya'll have itself is fuckin' beautiful. Insignificant activities like grocery shopping, letters and songs almost suddenly turns into intangible assets you'll always cherish. They make you feel young again, you feel like a kid. Your sunrise isn't black no more, for they bring colour into your life. You smile t yourself and realise its because th other half is on your mind. Always on your mind, their presence never left. Any sign from them automatically makes your day better, even your worst days. A continuous conversation becomes unnecessary. Good, but unnecessary for their presence itself keeps you warm. Complete and safe. Sitting even by th roadside in th middle of th night is contentment at best, as long as you're together. Everything you do and see reminds you of them. You wear your heart on your sleeve, invest all possible emotions regardless of th fact that you may one day, get your heart broken. But vulnerability isn't enough t hold you back. Nothing can hold you back. Being susceptible scares you, but t embrace all of love, vulnerability is th passageway in between. Your heart has t invent a defence mechanism, because it feels so real. So real its ironically surreal. You see your best friend, your lover, your soulmate all in one person. Life becomes worthwhile. You feel so safe, just knowing they are a part of you. Knowing they will always be a part of you.
And then you may say those are a bunch of crap anybody w literacy skills can come up w, typing random words hoping they all piece together at the end t make sense. But it isn't suppose t make sense, you're suppose t wake up each and every day and wonder how it is ever possible for such intense emotions you will never in this lifetime be able t sum up in words. When you're able t not only type it, but feel th emotions in each sentence, each and every word. And most crucially, how throughout a whole paragraph, amidst th random smiles and memory flashbacks you get, there exists only one person on your mind. At least for me it very much does. That's when yknow that its real, because you can never contradict your emotions. That's when yknow its true love, indeed.
Good morning motherfuckaaaas.
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