Th Air Around Me Still Feels Like A Cage

I feel like for every minute that passes and it gets later, I just get more upset. Th more I'm awake, consciousness pulls me down further, and harder. You just don't have control over em, over your thoughts. They just hit you and for as long as you're awake there on, it won't go away. Until I fall back asleep, but I fuckin can't when th very same thoughts keep me awake. And I don't get how in my world, everything else goes on, everyone else. But I'm here, just crying because that's all I can put myself t doing. There's no way t tell myself that I've submitted t th manifestations that take my soul away. There's no other way when that's all that is possible, no other way when there isn't a choice. This place, it rips apart my sanity. But this place too, has always kept me safe. Four walls that hear my cries, air so still t hold my thoughts and surround me w it, so placid that it can't be blown away. A lifetime ago it seems, since I've remembered this place t hold air so clear, not engulfed by suffocating haze and th walls, they weren't tainted. So long ago I can't recall how I looked in th mirror and never saw my soul staring wearily, so drowsily straight back at me. A mirror served for th purpose of a reflection indeed, but a reflection going way pass visuals that absolutely no one could see. Th voices in my head don't shut up, how do we make em shut th fuck up? They make no sense anymore, they fill me w not anger no more, but indignation. But my heart tells me otherwise. It wallows me in sadness. And after all, anger is just a disguise for sadness. It whispers t me that my body is exhausted from resisting. And I know that, I feel it in every part of me. So I lift my fingertips, and loosen my grip. I extricate myself from clenched fists and blood rushing through every vessel in my body. I'm falling, and time slows down. Down and down, spiraling, pitch black yet for some reason, calming enough t put my heart at a certain ease. Vision's blur at first, but its all clearer soon. Th eye picks up more than you think. I like this fall, I could imagine how it feels t take a plunge of th Golden Gate Bridge and sway w th winds. And finally feel time in th palm of your hands. All th good thoughts in tact, all there is in my heart, dancing t th rhythm of valves. And all th bad ones, apart from me, falling too, trying t catch up and claw itself on my skin. But bliss would be having that fall last forever. As soon as time takes control again, I crash. And I am awaken by claws digging into my flesh, entangling itself back around me, draining my blood that once fed me sanity, but infecting it now. I open my eyes t reality. Where sadness learns t be accustomed t my being, where I can't differentiate anger and sadness, where thoughts keep me awake, th thoughts I haven't grasped control over, where my vision once cleared is now blurry. Back t reality where choices determine most outcomes, choices that make you or just leave you broken altogether. Those moments, they come and go. But moments never fail t leave behind a trace. And soon become just another memory you have t live w. I can't run away th way I used t think I could. But I like t take that fall once in awhile, it sucks out all th pain that lingers.