It's been a week and I can say that time hasn't done much for me. I'm not exactly feeling articulate enough tonight but I'm pretty much always deep in thought so I'll try. I can't deny that things get better in time, but then again they never go away especially w a trigger in place each time or w something as simple as th dead of night. Combine both and you find yourself dwelling in th past more than you ever should.
I don't exactly know how I'm feeling, but I've had enough of all th drama attached t life. I guess if you don't give yourself a reason t believe in yourself, nobody else will. It's amazing how zoned out I can get whilst surrounded by th world. But then again I've always been tremendously in touch w my mind and its no surprise I could sit in a bus and get so lost I have t take a second or two t remind myself I'm still here and not lost within th crevices my mind form.
Many things seem unfair but then again, I'm not th only one and life isn't meant t be fair. I just wish I was in another country, exploring a place I've never known, getting lost within th beauty yet finding my mind at th same time.
We're all hypocrites, we all doubt, we seek revenge and we all fuck up. I'm pretty sure I'm not th only one who've lost faith at one point or doubted what I've believed in because of how certain events unfold. I'm not sure how t grasp someone telling me I don't have faith though we all have reasons t how we've become. If you're so close t God, then good for you man because that itself should be its own reward. It's one thing t spread God's word, it's another t go around telling people their faith isn't good enough. I'm not a staunch Catholic, not as much as I'd like t be but I'm still finding my way. But I'm pretty sure God's word didn't include doubting someone else's faith for th better of yourself. And since we're on about religion, I believe th bible teaches us that th very minute we attempt t seek revenge or get vengeance, we're no longer walking by faith because its saying we can't trust God t work it out. So I don't see how anyone can tell me I lack faith when we all seek revenge thus stray. No one knows what I talk t God about, what I do at night, what I do when I'm broken or sitting on th floor at 3 in th morning trying t have a conversation w God whilst holding back my tears. No one but God, so who's t be in a position t tell me otherwise? My connection w God needs no boastfulness, I know where I stand and that's either good or bad for nobody but me. But coming from someone who claims t not actually know me well enough, doubting my beliefs is pretty unfair if you ask me. But it isn't supposed t be is it?
I think what pretty much killed me (if something haven't already), is th trigger I mentioned earlier. I guess it's just meant t go in circles. Not so different hey. Th same things you hate, you do. Just a contribution t a cycle that doesn't stop. A simple word could haunt you for a long time but no matter which angle I try t see it from, I'll always arrive at th same conclusion. There's not much left t last week other than a whole lot of hurt. Th kind you can't really do much about anymore, th kind you won't believe time could heal eventhough they say time heals all wounds. Th kind that keeps you up at 4 in th morning leaving you out of words.
All reality has spiritual control - we control th things we can and leave th rest up t fate.
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