Only Smiling When I'm Dying

I have conceived that it doesn't matter where im writing anymore, im just happy to be doing it. Its so difficult to talk to people these days. Everybody wants to be heard, nobody wants to hear.

It's 5 in the morning and I can't get any sleep, without help at least. 24 hours ago I was in a similar predicament. Slightly worse I might add. Lying in bed while thoughts race at the speed of sound, only difference is that I'm the only one who seems to be hearing this storm. All that kept me awake was nothing I wanted to think about - my heartbeat caught up with the speed of my thoughts, so exhilarating. These thoughts. Felt like nirvana just for a second, for a second before my mind reminded me it was nothing but reminiscence. Not too sure I was disappointed though.

Fast forward to tonight, I can actually smile. But before I could get too happy, I realized I'm smiling for all the wrong reasons, lol. Not that funny really. Only smiling when I'm dying, so it seems. I can't find joy in the smallest of things anymore, though I still try. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I've just been a bitch lately until I get what I want. Or more like what I need. But that makes me happy and in turn that makes me fucked up. But whatever keeps you smiling hey?