Kept my faith, Lost my time. I just hope i haven't lost my mind

Im so tired of being in this game, i just want out. but there's no out. Its all in the mind isn't it? I guess not. Im so tired of making conclusions, of finding excuses, of conforming, of judgements, im so tired of running. I just wanna write from my heart. But i can't find it no more. When did i become so cold, where did all this time go? It feels like demons consuming me, and im not sure if i wanna do anything about it. These demons they are my friends you see, why would i abandon the ones who've been there for me. These veins feel so frozen, ice cold. And the worst part is that i know what could bring it warmth. I wish i didn't though, i wish i conformed when it was right to. I wish i didn't give in. They say we learn from our experiences, but i don't wanna learn this way anymore. I don't think anybody gets it though, everybody's caught up in their own shit to give a fuck. I used to believe in karma, im not sure i do now. Whatever goes around doesn't necessarily come around. Sometimes bad things happen to good people and that's just how life is. My words seem so rusty at this moment, but i can hardly give a fuck. At the lowest point of my life right now that any lower i'd be 6 feet under. I never meant to fuck it up so bad and i dont know if im sorry for it. I used to be able to decipher contradictions, now life is just but a contradiction itself. I had my motivation but God took that away. I envisioned the light and climbed out of this hole i've dug for myself. I just got kicked back in, fell to the bottom all bruised and filthy. Where did the light go? But all i can think about is how much i missed you - the way you smell and the way you taste. The way you make me feel, and the way you numbed reality. The way you felt like roses, burying me so gently. And then i realised that even the most red of roses have their thorns. Now im just walking through the fire because there's no way around but im stuck in between and it feels like im hell bound. Better to fade away than burn out but i've had my share of both and now i just wanna survive. I've had enough of this but God doesn't seem to hear. Then again i don't expect him to. So what's next, where do i go? Is this where i call home or am i supposed to climb out of this hole while people throw stones at me yet again? I guess we all know what the right thing to do would be, but if doing it was only easy. Empty words, broken promises. It doesn't matter who, we're all fucked up. A different specie we are, but didn't we choose this road? Tell me im wrong, tell me anything, just don't tell me this was what i wanted. Thank you God for the shelter you gave, though im just counting the days till my shelter is gone. You'll find me under the bridge then, with my bestfriend of course. I've found a crutch to reality but it doesn't come cheap. Now my bestfriend betrayed me but you're still the best i could get. You left me desperate, down in the dark. You left me at 4 in the morning when i needed your hand, were you really my friend? You left me isolated and sick out of my mind, you took everything away from me but then gave me back more. You told me you wouldn't do it again but every week was the same. I trusted you with my life but then again only the susceptible would do that. I can't find my strength, you stripped me off that too. I gave you everything i had and i love you so, but now, would you please just let me go? Im sick and tired of being sick and tired, cliche motherfucker but it is what this is. Im sorry Mum, im sorry Dad, i promise i'll make things right again. I've got so much to say and so little time, where did all the years go? Im all alone now, accompanied by only the voices in my head. About time they shut the fuck up because i've had enough of what they say. Enough of all this bullshit, enough of all the war. Enough of all these motherfuckers thinking they have a clue, enough of people telling me what i should do. Im done with disappointments and im done waking up wishing there was something new. I just want my friend back.