wtf

I don't know how or where to start, lately it seems I shouldn't even bother writing since nothing much ever changes. I wrote a post which got deleted sometime ago whilst drunk, perhaps for the better. A drunk mind rarely speaks the sober heart, most people just transform into assholes. 

There exists this intense feeling of discomfort within me and I wish I knew why. It seems fighting this battle alone has drained my soul and stripped my strength. This ringing of uneasiness accompanies me everywhere I go, even to sleep. I dream of the past and wake up wishing I could rewind to just one more day of it. I don't understand this longing for something so unhealthy, but I doubt I have to anyway. I want to explain how I exhausted I am, even in my dreams. How I wake up tired, how I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave. Happiness seems like an ongoing battle, one I have to fight constantly just to taste the slightest bit of it. And then I wonder if it is even worth it. Or perhaps I am just afraid to give all this up - the darkness and all these emotions. Fearing that maybe the worst part of me is all of me. There comes a point where it seems we don't want to do it to get high anymore, we just want to get by. Reality and people have become so much harder to deal with. There is so much hate for the ones we love, because the littlest things don't seem to make sense . Why do we hurt the ones we love? Perhaps if we can understand that everything that has happened thus far is meant to, forgiveness becomes a lot easier. I'm just at a point where I miss the past a little more than I should. I miss the stupor, I miss the thrill. I miss not feeling anything other than being buried by a bed of roses. I doubt I make much sense right now, probably one of my worst posts' but I doubt I have to make much sense with an altered state of mind heh. I never knew I could write something this fuckin horrible, but I really needed to. I'm so sick of being used to this feeling, fuck.