Only smiling when I'm dying

I spent my day sleeping, and then sleeping some more. I suppose I really needed it, my body was failing me and these medications aren't helping. And finally when night falls, my demons insist on coming out to play. I feel so stuck in this, I feel an intense burning desire of wanderlust, of wanting to get the fuck out of here and run away from everyone and everything for awhile. It was always against my nature to ask for help. Not because of pride but because I didn't think anyone could help. I try and try to make it work, and then I try again to make it seem like everything is fine. And even if it's not, it will be. But too much of anything drives all of us crazy. I hate the holiday season because it doesn't feel like it should. It's like the universe's way of reminding me that things are indeed fucked right before the year ends. And it's not like a brand new year brings brand new thoughts. It's just the same old fuckin year, another year just on repeat. The same way it always has been. We all start the year with fuck all resolutions, hoping for the best, hoping for a change, hoping for everything we could ever hope for. And in the end it ends the same old fuckin way, down in the gutter praying we could fall asleep at night, praying alcohol would be our cure, praying drugs could take us away. But praying to who, we have no fuckin clue. I ended last year believing this year would be better, that I would find my clarity and that I could leave my past behind. But that's not how it works. I'm ending the year as the same old fuck all person I was, maybe things got a little better but not as good as I expected it to be. I don't think depression ever ends, or whatever we call it these days. A disease that engulfs a part of us we will never be able to get back. And I can't stand this battle. Battle between every fuckin thing in life. The people who love us are suppose to get it. But they don't, not a clue. And when people don't get you they retreat into this small fuckin hole, away from you hoping to pop out when things get better. But things don't, and they think we don't realize it. That we're fuckin deluded or something. It's not that difficult to see through people and their fuck all intentions, it's not hard to see through people who would put you through shit when you're already buried in it. This post is probably the least enriching one I've made in awhile because I'm as high as the Empire State Building lol. But enriching or not, it is from my heart. Why can't our vices be people, why can't they be living things? Wouldn't that make life so much easier? I don't have to be a fuckin delusional cunt thinking some substance would be my best friend then. I've realized reality start hitting me when I stop seeing something to look forward to. It seems I always have to have something positive going on in the near future for me to want to get by. I don't remember what happiness feels like anymore, perhaps I've gotten a glimpse in the past few months, but nowhere close to what I would like. I feel so alone and I wish someone could help me, anyone. It seems my screams for help has been muffled by the demons lurking around me and within me all this time. Why is it so difficult to remain happy? I understand happiness is something we work for and clinch unto once it comes by. But sometimes it doesn't work that way. Our souls are placed in a world where as much as we think we do, we don't have control over so many things. Which makes me wonder what the fuck is God doing? Why the fuck do we pray to something that doesn't respond? Religion is in place to help us cope with what the fuck we don't understand. When we can't find meaning to life anymore, we turn to God, when we need help we turn to God. Religion appeases our souls' from this fuckin hell we live in. Heaven is a place, so is hell. But they both exist right here on Earth. Where is God when animals are suffering? Where is God when children are dying? The only place God exists on Earth at least, is in the hypocritical segregations, the wars driven by a difference in beliefs and worshipping. The truth is, good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. That is life, and that is what we have to accept. If praying to God eases your souls' and puts you to sleep, then by all means. But in my opinion, we pray to salvage our souls because the meaning of life is unattainable and we do whatever we can to make things seem in control and manageable. Be it praying to a God, or shooting heroin, we aren't in any position to judge because at the end off the day, whatever takes the pain away right? I have no idea where I was gonna go with this post, but I just really needed to write. It's 1 in the morning and as it gets later,it never gets easier. I wish I could get off this roller coaster, the one that keeps me happy for an hour and then incredibly sad the next. I never know what to expect, everyday is a battle I can't seem to figure out. I guess I wish for someone who'd be perfect for me, but that seems impossible. I don't even understand myself, I don't expect anyone to. I don't know how I do it honestly, I don't know how I put on a facade that makes it seem like things are fine. Or perhaps things aren't fine but I'm coping well and someday it will be. I am the furthest from all of that and I suppose behind all that bullshit, I just hope that someday someone would be able to break through that mask and see right through me. To be able to have a deep conversation about everything I ever feel, to be able to pour my heart and soul out to someone who wouldn't just tell me I'm not depressed and it's just a phase. Well if it is, this is the longest fuckin phase of my life hey. But there has to be a silver lining elsewhere. God, are you there? Lol, I'm definitely going to hell. Perhaps a better version of this one that we call life. I'm so glad I managed to release a little of what I feel inside, I realized the beauty of writing sans sober. Maybe my vocabulary pretty much sucks. But whatever, goodnight. Though there's no good in that at all.