I don't want to write yet it seems there are endless emotions rotating the axis of my mind. Maybe sobriety isn't helping me, maybe I was never meant to be somebody. I want to go back to a place where I could be free, where reality was whatever I wanted it to be. And where nobody had to understand me because I didn't need to be understood, I just needed to be high. Sometimes I wonder if one day all this would make sense, that one day I would be able to look back and realize all these abstinence paid off. Maybe you need faith to believe in that, and hope to carry on even when there seems to be no reason to. I'm torn between wanting to be alone and feeling lonely, I don't know where I'm headed and I don't know if my effort is worth it. How is it that nobody seems to get it or maybe even care. How is it fair that we have to keep keeping on when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe if I fell asleep tonight and didn't wake up nothing would ever need to make sense. Perhaps the purpose of life is that there is no purpose at all. I can't describe this insanity, but what's worst is not being able to cope with the sanity. Its like how this silence is so fuckin noisy right now. I can't stand it, it's driving me crazy and I just want to bang my head against the wall. Perhaps waiting for my medication to take effect is taking fuckin forever.
And then I feel the anxiety, my heart beating faster and the lump in my throat before it finally stabilizes and slows down completely. My body feels relieved, my legs feel so light and I'm not sure I even feel my arms. But they are shaking, in tune to a irregular heartbeat. I feel like I am racing against time to finish this paragraph, but all I can think about is passing out. I can hardly open my eyes. Most of all, I miss feeling numb to everything around me. All the emotions I don't want to feel, and the fucks I do not want to give. Perhaps medication does cure insanity. I wish I felt this way all the time, but then again it would just become normal and transition into boredom as is reality for as long as I could remember.
I feel a warm, cozy quilt wrapping itself around me tightly, keeping me warm. I feel the heat within me build up, warm warm blood filling up my heart. I feel the love of my life cuddling me on a bed of roses, so soft I could sink in while I sink away from consciousness. I feel soft fingertips outlining the contours of my body ever so delicately. Most of all I feel a curve form upon my lips, I can finally smile. This is happiness to me. Only for a little while though, before reality comes right around and stab me with a dagger straight to my heart. I don't think anybody understood how taking me away from this feeling rendered so much hate and instability from within, I didn't understand it myself. I miss sinking deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole till I can finally hug myself, to feel vulnerable and finally enjoy it. I enjoy the deep breaths, with each exhale I let go of what's in my mind.
Perhaps my time is up, I should probably drift into the black hole with a smile plastered on my face, embracing crisp air and rose petals. So long to this reality at least.
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