Maybe I could never squeeze all these thoughts into a single writing, it seems too much. Even to handle.
I shut my eyes and the world drops dead, I think I may have made you up inside my head. After 16 hours of comatose, I open my eyes to be greeted by the darkness of reality. I stare at a blank wall for what seems like 15 mins now and ask myself, "why am I awake?"
This loneliness is getting too much it's almost nauseating, literally. It's weird how by this time usually, in such a situation, I would've written as much as to fill up a storybook. But I just can't, it seems my fingers have become a mechanism that hasn't been oiled, it's gears are spoilt and I can't seem to drag them around this keypad. And this antidepressant, it's a suppressant. It suppresses my ability to react to all these thoughts and emotions that would've attacked me by now. I fee like I'm stuck in this bubble, watching everything fall apart. And I don't have the energy to do absolutely anything about it. Is this what depression is when it finally spirals down the vortex, out of my control? Sleeping doesn't satisfy me anymore when I know I have to wake up to this living hell, to a place where I find comfort in nothing and no one. I wake up to loneliness, I wake up to this feeling that makes me want to puke. Can't I just go to sleep forever? I don't have the energy to do anything, I can't get out of bed, I haven't showered in 4 days now. What scares me the most is knowing one day I may not be writing from the comfort of this bed anymore. One day all of tis will be gone, everything. And will I look back and regret anything? But I can't seem to do what's best in any situation. I just want to shut out from the world. Or maybe I don't have a choice. Sometimes I feel like I beat myself down too much, perhaps I deserve an indefinite time out. Other times I just feel like I'm just taking everything from granted, that all this is just an excuse for being a lazy fuck. Sometimes I just don't know what to feel, what is right and what is wrong. It seems no matter what I do, I always end up back here. And I'm gradually losing hope in everything around me. I am just left with this impending feeling of discomfort within me, an absolute shit sensation down to my guts. A feeling that never goes away, and it's driving me crazy. I just want to rip my heart open and dig it all out.
I haven't gotten out of bed for 4 days. Like I'm bedridden. Honestly, I am. Bedridden in my fuckin mind.
I finally took a shower, after 4 days. I'm having the worst gastric and I can't even stand for more than a minute. I feel so faint, perhaps due to the fact that I haven't eaten or drank anything today. I'm literally waiting for 3 minutes till it becomes midnight, before I take a sip of milo that's right in front of me. I waited 3 minutes so I could say I went a day without liquids. Am I crazy? Alright it's 12.
I've decided to unleash the gates of hell tonight, that is my mind of course. Have you ever made a discovery whilst you were high, only to discover it has already been discovered when you're sober? I swear I saw a hundred shooting stars, or stars were just moving about the night sky. A wish upon a hundred shooting stars couldn't save me though, I'd rather just shoot myself. Speaking about shooting, I've been dying to know. Wouldn't it be morbidly intriguing if I overdosed whilst in a nirvana shirt? I'm not sure where this is going, I was supposed to be deep as fuck. Maybe I can't, maybe I'm not ready and I don't have the energy.
I feel an immense surge of discomfort each moment I am awake.
All I wish for is to be asleep, I cannot face reality right now. My head hurts and I am nauseated. The break of dawn, the rising of the sun makes me want to regurgitate. I dream of nightmares and I wake up into one, there is no escape. We deal of a vicious cycle that is life, there is no getting out. Maybe death is the same, we are only surrounded by dead people then. I want to rid myself of this disease, but then I realize that would involve
Me trying. And I don't want to try, not anymore. I don't have the energy to get better. What comes after that? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
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