Hoarder

TUESDAY, 29 NOVEMBER 2011

Rummy

Is it wrong t wanna feel fucked up physically? Like being sane is not a norm, like not being sober is a huge part of your life, more than it really should.

Is it wrong t fuck everything, because for once in my life, i really just don't care. About anything.

Sometimes i wonder, why can't everything just be easy, why can't i be like those kids who go through their youth th normal way, or so they say it is. Academically gifted, no partying, no alcohol, no emotional worries. In our generation, more often than not they're called nerds. Why do some of us just have t learn it all th hard way. Is it actually a choice, our preference or is it smth that's just thrown at us. Because honestly, i wouldn't really kill t have a perfect life. Good grades, happy family, emotionally well. Its a contradiction because though i don't wanna believe it, i'd rather learn everything th hard way.

At some point in our lives, we all lose ourselves. We get up, we move on. But what happens when we lose ourselves, all our morals and what we believe in together with it. You realise what's happening, you see it for yourself, and yknow its not doing any good. But you don't fucking care, you just can't seem t. What do i do about it?

Some believe that our body, without its soul, is just an empty vessel. Not of any significant use. Our body and soul are 2 completely separate entities. Right now, i feel like im just left with my body. Im physically present, im having th time of my life, i love being 18 and having fun. But at th end of th day, i don't even know what i believe in anymore. Im a whole, but everything within me is just disconnected. I feel it, i know i should do smth about it, but i don't care. And i just keep fucking myself up even further.

What's life, without any meaning t it?

Life certainly doesn't come with an instruction manual. But if it did, would you really follow it? We all wanna live our lives our way. But there comes a point where when you steer away, you need someone t pick you up. Probably someone who could impact your life quite powerfully. But even that's not gonna help me right now. Because finding someone i would love is pretty far fetched for me right now.

I've reached a point where im just sick of every fucking thing. Even doing what i love, and that fucking scares me because its definitely a first. I know for a fact that i can't give up what i want most, for what i want now. But really, i just need a break from everything.

They always say, 'you only live once. live life t th fullest'. But is that all? I spend most of my nights not being sober, i do what i want. Well yes, because i tell myself t 'live life t th fullest'. But can you do that your whole life? Isn't there a point where you gotta give that shit up and live by th rules, no?

Life is suppose t make more sense as you grow, as you mature. Apparently, that's bullshit. Because as i grow, life just gets more cob-webbed. I try t make sense outta every fucking possible thing, but i never ever get th answers. 

And th worst part? Nothing's going uphill.

I wrote that 7 months ago. I spent my night backtracking my blog, subconsciously hoping t achieve a feel of what it was like being me a year ago. I managed t capture a glimpse of it in my mind, it wasn't pretty. Nothing worth th reminiscence except for th things i've learnt. What i wrote above, more than half a year ago, was exactly how i felt. Th beauty of a blog heh.

Never looked back on th past, on my past, but sometimes its th only way in order t solve your present or at least understand it. I've realised th last time i relied on medication t fall asleep was in March, before i made any promises t stay away from it. I never lied about it. Thanks t my blog, my mind's clear from that. But what's th point of understanding your present but not sharing it? Not explaining why you act a certain way. More often than not you should never need t explain yourself. What i think? Fuck that, explaining yourself can save you a lot.

Im not afraid t explain why i always had an issue w people falling asleep on me. I sure as hell know it doesn't happen t everybody which may result in my point being stupendous. We all have weird peeves and if you don't, you probably haven't dug deep enough. But fuck everyone else's peeves. This is mine, and for th least of it, i do owe an explanation t th people who care t know me well enough. And th least that people can do? Is t understand no matter how stupid it may come across as. And if nobody can, then nobody deserves t say they care t know me well enough. Because i would never laugh at someone else's. Unfortunately, not everybody who reads my blog knows me well enough therefore im obviously not gonna state my reasons.

Its imperative and pressurizing t live up t a title. You are forced t watch what you say, act th way you're supposed t but at th same time not lose yourself t it. You have t weigh it out and balance th lever. Its impossible t reply t everybody on social networks but when you don't, they think you're being a fuckin' snob. Being professional doesn't become a choice no more, even when you're treated unfairly. You try t be your nicest because people look up t you and reputation can never be gained back once its shattered. Above it all, its still so fuckin' easy for people t stereotype models as stuck-up bitches covered in nothing but pride. Its easy t push words like these away when th industry is nothing more than a glamorous lifestyle for you. But when you digest it as something of an art, like how writers write, like how painters view works, you become more of an artist than any of those occupations perceive. Artists express themselves through their work but when people fuck it up by introducing archetypes t define you, it hurts.

But i never make a big deal outta it. We all hurt, what matters is if its intentional. I always get how people would do things for me but i wouldn't. Right now, i would see such as a way of life rather than insulting my personality. Why can't people see that a peeve as trivial as what i've mentioned above was never meant t hurt instead t let you in on me more as a person?

Straying a little, i used t stay away from th things that remind me in bad times. But tonight, i've came t terms w it, came t terms w hurt. No matter how far i run, i can't escape th memories in my head. So instead, i might as well add th tangible ones and embrace it as a whole. From th letters, t re-reading Catching Fire just because, wearing th tank, t reading my post in this really cute app called Moments where i also did mention 'Such simple things, simple memories that will help in th bad times, brings us closer and definitely cherishable.' Ditto.

I could put aside th way i feel and th reasons for it, i could put away keeping a steady reputation. I really could. But that would mean i'd be who i was 7 months ago. We learn that we are th only ones that are really in control of choosing a definition of ourselves. Honestly, i think its th important people in your life who chooses it for you, w your consent of course.